LiveJournal

I always wanted to write a book about London. Part of me would want to write it exactly like it happened because it would be fun to look back on in the future. The other part of me would like to change a few things to make it more interesting and fun to read. Either way, I think it would make a good story.

During my study abroad in London I was always updating my LiveJournal with the current events. So if I did decide to write a story, London would be fairly easy to recollect with all the updates and all the pictures I took while I was there. Tonight I thought it would be fun to read about it all over again.

So I started reading the life of Merry, August 2005. I didn't even make it to the London entries because I kept repeating something in my journal that I couldn't remember where it came from. Being the average, jaded, vain and naive 20-year-old that I was, I was very cryptic in my LiveJournal entries. Just like every other LJer was doing at that time, I wanted to tell everyone what was going on in my life, but not tell them anything at all.

This is disappointing, because now, 4 years later, I'm reading these stories and going, "Who am I referring to?" "Who did I have a crush on then" "What happened that night?" and "Who are all these people I swore I would 'never forget'?"

This has happened to me before. A couple years ago, Ramsey and I looked over our notebooks we used to have in middle school that we used for passing notes. There was one entry from after New Years Fest that talked about how much fun we had meeting so and so (cute boys) and how we would never forget so and so's names for the rest of our lives. (right)

We always thought we were above middle school, not as naive and silly as all the others... which we were. We always thought we were so above high school too, so grown up and so smart... which we weren't. Life is funny like that.

Anyway, in my posts from August 2005 I kept talking about some revelation I had in the Spring, only to find out that I never posted my revelation when it occurred.


Things I learned about Merry, pre-London:

• It took me 9 months to move on from Brian Reidenbach, maybe more. When I look back at that break-up now, I think of it like it hardly affected me. I guess I'm just good at voiding pain from my memories.
• Merry 2005 knew how to be single. Merry 2009 does not.
  
• That was one of the last summers my Paw Paw group was together. Most people came home from college for the summer and many fun Paw Paw nights were had.
• I had a really good college experience. Hope (and Holland) was a great place to live and learn for three years.

No body does it like you

For my 24th birthday I asked for a new vacuum. I don't know whether to be embarrassed about this or proud. Am I being practical, or am I getting old? After I ripped it open and tested it out, I decided on proud because it handled Tonka's hair like a champ.

I'm in love with a Hoover.

Time Thief

I'm in the process of developing trainings for one of CARE's clients on the power of self-management. In the book I'm working from I found this neat section on attitude, so I thought I would share it with you. Yes, the training is written towards work settings, but I think we can all agree that it applies to life as well.

It's long. Sorry.


Our attitude is a very important choice as it relates to career success and satisfaction. The truth is that anyone, no matter how good the working conditions, can find a reason to have a negative attitude. And anyone, no matter how bad the circumstances, can find a way to maintain a positive attitude. Our attitude is of our own making and largely depends on these influences:

What we focus on: Our attitude will likely suffer if we concentrate on everything that is frustrating or unfair and if we take for granted the positive aspects of the working conditions. When we dwell on the negative, we feed it with energy. What we pay attention to only grows stronger.

The key to happiness is gratitude. All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. And nothing undermines gratitude more than unwarranted or unmet expectations. The Buddhist teachings are relevant here. If we expect that something desirable will or should definitely happen, then we feel entitled to this thing. This leads to dissatisfaction, because it undermines the most important source of happiness, which is gratitude.

It is assumed that being unhappy lead us to complain. Actually the opposite is true: Complaining helps us become unhappy. Therefore, to improve our overall satisfaction, we should take an inventory of both our personal and work life and express gratitude for all that is good in it. Focus on the positive and our attitude will improve.

What we think when things go bad: Many of the dissatisfiers at work are irritating, but they are not catastrophes. A catastrophe is the AIDS epidemic in Africa or a hurricane that wipes out a city. What most of us experience when things go wrong at work is frustrating, inconvenient and disappointing, but it is not disastrous. We must place things in proper perspective. Don’t become a drama queen or king. Don’t make mountains out of molehills or worry about things that have not yet happened (and may not ever happen). This only prevents us from living in the moment, recognizing and taking full advantage of what is positive in the work environment.

Whom we associate with: If we spend all of our time with someone who is negative and angry, it is very possible that the person’s unhappiness will begin to affect our own attitude. Misery like company, and negativity is very contagious. The disgruntled co-worker expects that we join him in his griping and dumping. And if we are too satisfied with our job, there is something wrong with us: We are naïve. We are in denial. We are apple polishers if we get along too well with management. All of us are judged by the company we keep. Our associations are a reflection of our values. Choose wisely.

Our expectations: One definition of conflict is “expectation not met.” Therefore, when we are experiencing job-related frustrations, we must examine our expectations. Are they reasonable?


-Michael Henry Cohen. (2008). The Power of Self Management. pp54-56.

Grilled Cheese

The greatest news ever: My sister was accepted into Neurology Residency program at the Mayo Clinic! It was her number one choice and I'm so happy she got into it!! She has a one year internship at Oakwood Hospital in Dearborn to practice general medicine, and then she's off to Minnesota to practice at one of the best hospitals in the nation. It's so great.



Anyway,
As with most people who suffer through Michigan winter, Spring always brings on a renewed energy that you feel like you have lost. For the last week I've been running and lifting in my spare time. I love this. I used to be huge on working out and getting my heartbeat going, but I think I lost it a little once I went to college. But for this last week, running has been one of the things I actually look forward to doing when I wake up! I hope it stay this way.

However, this is still weird because I have never liked the exercise of running. I even avoided playing sports like soccer and basketball in high school because it was too "running involved." My exercise would usually include playing hockey or doing the stair stepper, along with lifting weights. Running always seemed like a chore. But I've been eating a lot of cucumbers lately too, and I have never liked those. Maybe I'm just growing up.

I've gotten a lot done on my Spring Cleaning list. My sewing pile is just daunting though and I know I'll continue to put it off.

Spring Fever!

What is it about Spring that makes you want to clean out your life?

Every year I get the same urge to de-materialize my life. I look around my room and think, "man do I have a lot of stuff." Which is funny, because in reality, I don't have that much stuff. I can fit the most of my belongings (minus my winter gear and my motorcycle) in this tiny 12x12 room. My dog and his kennel even fit in my room! Also, this urge I get every spring tied to the fact that I've moved like 10 times in the last 6 years hasn't left me with a whole lot of really useless things anyway, even If I feel like it has.

Either way, it's time to simplify.

Goals for Spring Cleaning:

• Take most of my UDM textbooks back to the bookstore. There will only be like 5 that I will want to keep.
• Take the other books that you don't like/never will read again because they were lame and donate them to the Library.
• Recycle all school notebooks and papers immediately after passing my comprehesive final.
• Go through old clothes and see which ones I can turn into new summer clothes. Old jeans into new capri shorts, old T-shirts into new fun tank tops.
• Turn old clothes into new summer clothes.
  
• Turn the pile of old hoodies from high school and Hope into a cool blanket. I should have done this during the winter because I could have always used another blanket, but I didn't.
• Take remaining ugly old clothes, shoes and useless trinkets to the Salvation Army.
• Put winter stuff in storage (snowboard, hockey gear, really warm sweaters) and bring up summer gear (...bathing suit?)
• Give/mail things back to their original owners.
  

An a different note, I'm pretty sure my dog let himself out this morning. Now I know mornings aren't usually when my memory is working at it's peak. But after I fed Tonka, I walked out the back door to see what the weather was like and then I came in to my room to check my e-mail. When I got back up to let him outside, I was surprised to find him already out there.

Amazing.

Have to catch up on my DVR

It's been awhile since my last post. After my epiphany 10 days ago, life seems a lot easier.

In the last 10 days I've:

• Made some new friends.
• Constantly made reference to the "everything's amazing but nobody's happy" skit I stole from Ramsey's facebook. "You're in a seat... in the sky!"
  
• Celebrated Melissa's birthday.
• Practically forced my friends to leave a karaoke bar because my eyes balls were getting burned out of their sockets from too much smoke.
• Caught up with some old friends.
• Thought about stealing a boat with Ryan.
  
• Solidified the belief that the field I've chosen to go in to is something I would really enjoy, even if it may take a few years or so to get to the place I want to be.
• Fell in love with up north Michigan all over again.
• Hung out with my aunt Merry and uncle Gary.
• Had my final snowboard of the season in 40 degree weather wearing leggings and my winter coat's liner.
• Rocked out hard core in a vehicle three times with three different groups of people.
• Felt totally embarrassed that I wanted to run away and hide.
  
• Went to the casino.
• Laughed so hard I wanted to cry, multiple times.
• Played with Katie's recording equipment.
• Had hours of good conversation with Kim at our (sometimes pointless) internship.
• Finished Kafka's The Trial, which turned out much better than I thought it was going to.
  
• Had an interview at a flower shop.
• Got my motorcycle insured and received a quote for new tires.
  
• Went out for St. Patrick's day on a Tuesday when I originally had decided to stay home.
• Drank green beer for the first time.
• Was in one of my best moods of the year with the help of 70 degree weather, flip-flops, beer on the patio of Shores Inn, great people, and the best steak dinner ever.

Lately I've been adding classic literature to my reading list. Hence the Kafka reference above. Through most of the books I've read of his, I would always think, "I bet Kafka is laughing at everyone who reads his work and thinks he's so profound, because I'm pretty sure he thought it was just one big ironic joke; he's saying, 'Ha I fooled those suckers!'" And maybe he's laughing at me now, because I ended up really enjoying it in the end.


On another note, I feel like I've been really coming in to single-hood. I think it takes awhile to adjust to it sometimes. Before my last break up, I hadn't been single for more than a month in about 2 1/2 years, and I think I'm just starting to truly accept that it has potential for a whole lot of fun!

I feel like I'm right at the beginning of a huge transition. I have been a student my whole life and now I'm about to step into the real world, without the help of student loans and my parents (for the most part). Add that to the economy taking a turn for the worst and I'm realizing that it's going to be a struggle at times to make ends meet, I know it.

I tie this directly to my happy decision to be single. I have no idea what is coming around the bend for me, and to be tied up in a relationship seems like it would be even harder. Now don't get me wrong, I have no opposition to hanging out with people and possibly dating, but a full on relationship sounds like the worst idea in the world.

Even though, in the back of my head, I know if something really great came around, I wouldn't hold myself back from it. I would probably fall in head first like I always do. But as that's currently not the case, I am very happy with the way things are now.



And to finish 'er off...

Lately I have been grateful for:

• People who are able to honestly laugh at their faults... or their less than perfect actions. I'm starting to really understand the importance of that in my own life.
  
• People who help others just because they like to.
• My mom, who always seems to persevere through anything life throws at her. I really look up to her.
  
• My aunt and uncle, who opened up their home for my friends and I, told us great stories, and above all, always makes me feel loved.
  

Rainy Day

I'd always admired those who "make lemonade." You know, those people who just deal with what life throws them. But look at me! I get all sad and depressed and immobile when I start to worry that I won't be able to support myself in the future.

No more! Things will work themselves out even if there are even more hard times until they do. It's not like I'm not working hard. It's not like I'm being lazy. Things are going to be O.K.

It's funny that I get this revelation on the ugliest day of the week.

Tonka Dog

Sometimes I think my dog is socially inept.

Tonka's great. He's a sweetheart. But when I take him to the dog park I just watch him and think, "I never properly socialized this dog!"

Today was a little better. I took him on a long walk before I took him to the park so when he ran up to stranger's pants and "lifted his leg" there was nothing left to pee out. I took my book with me today and just sat on a park bench to the side. I wasn't really looking at this moment, but I heard a bunch of people laugh and say, "he just lifted his leg on me!" Needless to say, I just kept staring down at my book.

Just watching him at the park is hilarious/embarressing. He pees on everything, runs quickly through crowds, and ignores anyone who actually wants to give him attention. A lot of the time he whines while he runs, which makes me feel like I'm an abusive or neglectant parent.

A lot of the owners bring toys for their dogs to play with. When the tennis ball comes out, there's always a group of dogs ready to chase after it, you know, like normal dogs do. But not Tonka. When the ball gets tossed he just chases the dog who's running after it. He has no interest in the toy at all.

But he's a good dog. It's not like he attacks other dogs or jumps on anyone when he's all muddy. He listens when I call him and is great to look at because he's so cute.

There's one of those fancy plastic playgrounds for kids at the park as well. When I caught Tonka climbing up the stairs, run over the wobbly bridge, and make it up to the top of the slides, my heart just melt.

He's my buddy.

Red Wiiiiings

I wasn't aware that you can make a news feed for a specific group of friends on facebook. After I made a list of the people that I usually stalk, I realized that there are only 37 people on facebook that I really care to know what's going on with their daily lives. You should feel special if you made my list and update your facebook often.


When we were in high school, Ramsey and I gave Danno the nickname bottle, because he was a bottler. He used to bottle up his feelings and not let them out to anyone. Someone told me I was a bottler today, and I wouldn't have believed him if it weren't for the fact that I broke down and cried a few times from everything that has been building up. Crying felt good. Life sucks sometimes. I think I might cry more.


I don't know what's going to come of my life. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in a couple months to support myself. I don't know how to make all these negative feelings about my Master's degree stop from haunting my every thought. I. just. don't. know.


Today I'm grateful for my little trifecta I've created around myself since my breakup with Dan. I'm grateful for:

• Melissa who, for which I'm very lucky, has always been there for me when I'm going through a rough time. She listens to me rant and she understands when I'm being crazy. More importantly, she's always been a great friend to hang out with just when I need to be around someone who cares.
  
• Andrea who always tells me how it is but always reminds me to stay positive and focused. She also listens to me rant and always offers the best advice. She's someone I'm always comfortable talking about anything with and she's always a great friend to be around.
• Brian who calls me out, all the time. He knows me better than most and has this amazing ability to call me out when I'm being weird, awkward, sad, mad, excited, and so on. However, I'm always grateful for people who call me out. And add that to his incredibly fun nature and down for anything mentality, he's been a really great friend during this really hard time.
  

Sorry Brian, you're probably taking this picture.

Thanks guys. I hope you know how much your friendship means to me.